She won't let me out of her sight: what shadowing is, and how husbands get four hours back

You typed wife with dementia won't let me leave because that is what happens when you pick up your keys. She is already in the doorway. Walk to the garage and she is behind you. Families call that following-from-room-to-room shadowing. This page does not diagnose it. A dementia diagnosis, if she has one, was already made by a clinician. The job tonight: name the behavior, then write a handoff so another person can take the chair without a scene.

What is shadowing, and why does a wife with dementia follow me everywhere?

You are the one landmark she can still find. The house has too many rooms. You move, so she moves.

The Alzheimer's Association describes the restlessness underneath, without using the family word shadowing: a person with Alzheimer's may become restless, causing a need to move around or pace. The National Institute on Aging puts the same state in one sentence: agitation means that a person is restless and worried, and they aren't able to settle down. Agitated people may pace a lot. None of that is a reason to sneak out the back door.

The Association lists changes in caregiver arrangements among the situations that may lead to agitation. That is why the empty doorway goes badly. You are not only leaving the house. You are removing the landmark. A handoff that works puts a second landmark in the chair first.

How to respond, from the same page: calm statements, reassure, slow down. Do not raise your voice, corner, crowd, restrain, or argue. Do not make sudden movements out of the person's view. The line they print is: "I will stay with you until you feel better." When you cannot stay, the person in the chair says it.

How do I leave the house when she will not let me go?

You do not get four hours by announcing four hours. You get them by making the first exit boring. Write the shift: who sits, which chair, which mug, which sentence, what time you walk back in.

Family Caregiver Alliance, on hiring help at home, tells you to let her know you need help, and that accepting hired care is something she can do to help you, not a sign you are going to abandon her. Say that once. Do not turn it into a debate.

1. 1Move to the other chair before the other person arrives. The sitter takes your chair, not the guest chair.
2. 2Overlap 15 minutes. News on low. Same mug. You stay in the room. You do not hunt for keys in the doorway.
3. 3One sentence, then you walk out while she is looking at the other person. "I have an appointment. I will be back. She will sit with you." No second goodbye.
4. 4The first shift is 90 minutes, not four hours. Come back through the same door. Sit down before you take your coat off. If it was quiet, write a longer box next week. If it was not, shorten the next one. Do not cancel the idea.

That overlap is the job. The Association's warning about sudden movements out of view is why you do not slip out during a commercial. The NIA names a sudden change in a well-known place, routine, or person as a cause of agitation. A stranger in the kitchen with you gone is three of those at once. Fifteen minutes of two people in the room makes it one change instead of three.

Once 90 minutes is boring, you can write four hours: your own doctor, the grocery, a chair in the garage. The person in the chair is doing companion work. Company. A cup of coffee. Watching that she does not walk out the door. That is not nursing. One independently owned non-medical in-home care company based in Chesterfield that takes that kind of sitting shift is New Plan Care. West County and the city sit on its board: Ballwin, Chesterfield, Eureka, Glencoe, Grover, Pacific, Valley Park, St. Louis. It does not do nursing tasks. Call (314) 405-0887.

If she refuses the stranger, do not win the argument. Shorten the first visit. Same person next Tuesday. Same chair. Stay the whole 90 minutes the first time if you have to.

Wife wanders at night: what do I do?

Following you from kitchen to den is one job. Walking the house at 2 a.m., or walking out the door, is another. The landmark problem is the same. The night version has a clock on it.

The National Institute on Aging says many people with Alzheimer's disease wander away from their home or caregiver, and that you need to know how to limit wandering. The Alzheimer's Association reports that six in 10 people living with dementia will wander at least once, and that many do so repeatedly. That is their number. This desk does not invent a number for shadowing on top of it.

If she is missing, run their list, not a search you invent in the driveway. Start looking immediately. Many individuals who wander are found within 1.5 miles of where they disappeared. If she is not found within 15 minutes, call 911 and file a missing person's report, and tell them she has dementia. Keep a recent photo by the phone. Tell neighbors now. The NIA adds: ID or a medical bracelet with her name, address, and your number; if she might take a bracelet off, label her clothes.

The house work is dull on purpose. The NIA says to keep doors locked, consider a lock placed high or low, and keep shoes, keys, suitcases, coats, hats, and other signs of departure out of sight. Do not leave a person with a history of wandering unattended. The Association says to use night lights throughout the home, and never lock a person in at home. Overnight sitting is a different box. Fill it with a name.

What if she thinks I am someone else?

She may call you by her father's name, or by a brother's, or by no name at all. Do not correct the roster. Do not pull out a wedding photo to win. The Association's "do not" list includes argue. The NIA says to listen to the person's concerns and avoid arguing, and to reassure her that she is safe and that you are there to help. Stay the husband in the room. Let the name be wrong if the room stays calm.

A sudden change is a different job. If who she thinks you are flips in a day, or if the mix-up arrives with fever, a fall, or a new tablet, that is not a page on this site. The Alzheimer's Association says anyone experiencing behavioral symptoms should receive a thorough medical checkup, especially when symptoms appear suddenly. Ask the physician who already treats her what that change means. Bring one week of notes: time, what she called you, what else was going on. Do not name a diagnosis from the hallway.