A friend or church member says they will sit with your wife on Tuesday so you can get out. That offer is good, and it is also a handoff. Between the hour you leave and the hour you return, someone else is responsible for her. Treat it the way you would treat a paid aide: write the hours and the job down before the first visit.

Local option: New Plan Care gives families in the St. Louis area in-home help so a parent can stay home: companionship, help with bathing and dressing, meals, and overnight care. Call (314) 405-0887.

Write the block on the day sheet first

Open the 24-hour day sheet and find the stretch you want covered, such as 6 p.m. to 8 p.m. or the Tuesday afternoon you have been losing to errands. Write the start and stop times on the line, not 'afternoons.' If the visit ends at 3:30 and you need to be back at 4, the sheet should show that thirty-minute gap as yours to cover, not as someone else's guess.

Name the task, and name what is off the list

Most volunteers will say 'whatever she needs.' Do not accept that answer. Write three columns: what the visitor does (sit in the room, keep the television on, watch the door, warm a meal you have already set out), what the visitor does not do, and what the visitor calls you about. The does-not-do column matters most. A visitor does not lift her, does not help her from bed or chair, does not handle bathing or toileting, and does not sort, hand out, or give her medicine. A visitor can remind her that a dose is due. Setting out, sorting, or giving the dose stays with you, her doctor, and her pharmacist.

Check the visitor against the job, not the friendship

Before the first visit, ask three plain questions. Have you stayed with someone who could not walk on their own, and what did you do when they fell or got upset? Can you stay the whole block, or is there a commitment that could pull you out early? Will you call me when you arrive and when you leave, and what number do you use? Listen for what the person would actually do, not for how warm they sound. Good intentions do not help anyone get up off a floor.

Ask who keeps the record

If a church group, a neighbor network, or a volunteer program is arranging the visits, ask who keeps the sign-in sheet and who you call when no one shows. If the answer is vague, put your own line on the day sheet and keep the record yourself.

Build the backup before the first no-show

Every volunteer schedule fails at least once. Before you agree to a standing slot, write two backup names on the sheet, each with a phone number and the hours that person can cover. Decide now what happens if the visitor does not come. Do you cancel your errand, or do you call the second name? If your plan is 'I will figure it out at five o'clock,' the visit is not yet a plan.

Keep a short line for every visit

For each visit, add one line to the day sheet: the block, the visitor's initials, and one sentence about how she was when you got back. After a few weeks, those lines tell you whether the visit is holding or whether it is only a favor that depends on one person's calendar. If the visitor's line is blank twice in a row, the visit has stopped being a handoff.

When a visit is not enough

If she needs someone present for hours that involve lifting, supervision for her safety, or any medical task, a volunteer visit is the wrong tool. If she falls and cannot get up, call emergency services right away. Do not wait for the visitor to decide what to do. For longer-term help, ask her doctor what level of supervision she needs, and check the options listed on Local Help for Husband Caregivers before you accept more hours than a volunteer can carry.

The Volunteer Visit Is a Handoff: Write the Block, the Job, and the Backup Before the First Visit